An interesting week.

Work has become the focal point of my life, which is something I can’t say I’m all that enchanted with. To me, life is about balance and a good life has balance. I don’t like being idle or out of work for long periods of time because I have unhealthy habits that the lack of work plays into.

In essence when there isn’t work I hole up because I don’t want to spend any money and I spend days on end isolated and alone. Mind you, the days go by like a rocket and I can’t say I’m entirely unhappy either but social contact would be beneficially and it is in those moments I miss my friend Marilyn terribly because it was always nice to spend a few hours walking and chatting with her and when I do think of her I feel her passing acutely.

She was really special and a blessing to me in many ways.

Anyway, this was an interesting week as I had started to say. I had had Monday off and it was a wonderful day. The weather was beautiful and I got stuff done but Tuesday I was back to the grind.

And, grind it was. I mean, it’s a little odd now that people got moved so while there were six people in the area now there are on three and I am all alone on my side with no one in either corner beside me.

That is until Tuesday when I went in and my boss’ boss (my second line manager) had taken up residence beside me.

Mind you, I like him. He’s a kid but, he’s smart and he’s funny and I get him. I don’t know if that makes sense. Me, I’m not big on the whole kissing your boss’ ass for the sake of getting ahead. That’s my own detriment. I just never gravitated towards slavishly rolling over for a manager. It’s not in me.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t worked for people I respected and liked but the key in that sentence is that I respected those people and they were leaders.

Being a leader is not an easy thing especially in a work environment. You have to alternately be both stern and flexible. Maybe it’s a bit of the iron hand and the velvet glove but having managed people I know it isn’t as if you can go and just do a one size fits all style to things as much as one might like to because it’s easier.

Anyway, coming in and seeing my new neighbor was a bit off putting to say the least.

I mean just given everything that had happened over the last few weeks, I felt that there was a certain amount of scrutiny going on and I was under the microscope here. It’s one of the reasons when the HR person wanted to sit down and have a meeting further about the topic I begged off because it’s not a fight I want or need to have.

There simply was no way to come out of it without it costing me more than I would want and really I just want to go in, do my job and go home with as little drama as possible.

Anyway, so the week started off like that.

And there are a couple of new people in, one I recommended and another I’m not especially crazy about and someone else who left briefly and is back but all things considered I felt a little uneasy.

I am about the work though, so I just put my head down and do what I’m told.

And the work came in and Tuesday I walked in back home at 11pm and Wednesday night I walked back in at midnight. Thursday I just went in late, I was tired. It’s as simple as that, and I felt exhausted and had trouble getting going but being late I am sure wasn’t at all endearing or working in my favor.

Wednesday I had something on my desk waiting for me that was something of a disaster and I looked at it and opened the thing up a little bit at a loss and asked my second line manager if I could ask him a stupid question about it. And he’s helpful but there were moments when he took the job folder from me and started asking me about something that had just been dumped on me and for which I didn’t have any answers not knowing the history of the thing that had me a bit worried.

A funny thing happened though...

He started looking through things and he himself was at a loss of how to even explain it.

Which led to him having a discussion with the account person because it was clear the thing had not been properly laid out and there were clear problems with the job.

Later on after I did some of what had been assigned (actually quite a bit more in terms of testing they wanted to happen and setting it up in a very detailed fashion) while I was looking at the job to make another change, I asked for an asset we should have had and when I got it, and resized the thing to make it work in the application I was using I discovered someone had gone off the reservation and altered it.

Think number one on the ten commandments of things you should not do with any kind of marketing materials.

So, I bought it to the attention of the powers that be but it had been in the shop for a couple of weeks at that point and no one had caught it.

Truthfully, I wouldn’t have caught it either if I hadn’t been asked to do the change I was asked to do.

So, that was Wednesday and at the end of the day my second line manager unsolicited turned to me and said, “Really strong day today PJ.” Which was odd but likely was a bit of a confirmation I had been under the microscope.

Me, not one to miss a beat replied, “You know, that sounds really bad. It sounds like I have bad BO.”

Which got a laugh.

Today there was a big meeting late on a Friday.

Big meetings late on a Friday are never good. Eight or nine people shuffled into my boss’ office which was a tight fit to say the least. There we were introduced to the new account person and the changes as far as account management that would be happening immediately.

Surprise!

I mean honestly, it’s the last thing I expected. It likely means I may not be reporting directly to my boss anymore and may be moved over under a new person. The account manager who had been working on the account is going to be moved to something else just as my friend was.

Me? I’m still stuck on the damn thing! Which is something I was talking about with the junior AE about because we both have been slaving away. But even given the scrutiny and the long hours I have to admit things have actually gotten a little better which at least is a step in the right direction. All I know is that this is way more than I wanted with a staff gig and I just hope that things are going to be calming down as they get a little bit better organized.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself and I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

This is old.

This is so old I can’t even remember when I wrote it!

The big test.

I stepped into a comic book store yesterday, something akin to a recovered alcoholic spending time in a bar.

I resisted the temptation to part with any money.

I went because I was looking for a specific hardcover that seems to be out of print although it was released just a few short months ago. I’m talking about the Marvel Masterworks edition of Captain Marvel, Volume 3. It’s like an alcoholic looking for a favorite drink or a certain bartender and not finding either leaves the bar in disgust.

However, the place was packed! I mean just packed with people.

The store was Midtown comics, their westside location, a store I have seldom frequented. It was late on a Friday afternoon and I happened to be in the area and thought I might see if they had...

The comic store I once frequented in the city closed and the one I frequented in Westchester closed as well. I just don’t have the money to waste on comics anymore especially not when there’s a library.

If anything one of my goals now is to GET RID OF MY COMICS!

I’d burn them if they weren’t worth money but I want to sell the damn things and be done with them for once and for all.

Don’t get me wrong, I still read comics and every once in awhile I’m surprised and pleased with someone’s work but I can’t say I’m in love with a lot of the editorial content in comics these days. I don’t like ‘event’ comics and that’s taken over the big two so I just pass.

Don’t even get me started on some of the storylines they’ve come up with.

I guess that time has passed.

Where were we?

So, I’ve been woefully silent of late, why?

Take a guess.

Yes, I didn’t just take a staff job, I made a lifestyle choice. Week before last I did manage to leave ‘early’ (read a little after 6:30 on a day when I didn’t take any kind of a break - a nice nine hours), and meet up with a friend but still each and every day has been jam packed and our brand is crisis.

When I say that, some people might think that I’m overstating things but I’m not. Every day around 3 or 4 o’clock someone suddenly wakes up and says everything has to go out that evening! But then the same jobs are still in the shop three, four weeks later so what we’re getting is a load of bullshit.

The previous week we had a Monday holiday and I came in to work on Sunday only to find out later that my 40 hours to calculate OT pay doesn’t include the holiday.

Nice.

Just another way to nickel and dime you.

And mind you I didn’t come in on a Sunday because I wanted to or I was forced to as much as I knew things needed to get done and I wanted to be done early so there’s that nice feeling you get from being someone who is responsible but your company still can give you the shaft.

This past week was a week of a lot of changes.

After I had my teeth removed I just couldn’t see rushing back into the fire and I took advantage of the fact I do have sick time that I’m supposed to be paid for and took Monday and Tuesday. I wish I had been able to make more use of the days but really after having the teeth removed I spent the better part of the next several days just sleeping and trying to get back to normal.

When I returned on Wednesday there had been a lot of changes in the office. A group of people got moved to another floor suddenly, one was an office neighbor who I was very sorry to see go. I mean part of work is the people you are around and I liked sitting by her.

She’s a peer (we’re around the same age) and I honestly miss her being around.

My pal who was supposed to be ‘lead’ of the ‘team’ was moved over to another client completely. I mean he’s no longer working on the same account which is a bit of a blessing in some ways because as much as I love the guy, if he screwed up another project and I was forced to be there late for another batch of days I think I likely would’ve just walked out.

I did get the help in the form of the person I asked to be assigned to the account so there’s that.

However, I did ask for my birthday off and that was a bit of a problem for the person I report to.

It’s not that it was really a problem in any way other than the idiot wanting to stick it to me somehow. There’s this whole thing apparently that is going on currently aside from the fact that the guy in question has no business whatsoever managing people.

So, my friend had gone into HR and HR wanted to speak to me as well. I didn’t seek them out or anything but they wanted to talk to me. Basically in the context of not being able to get my birthday off, getting struck more than once by my supervisor and watching the same person think it’s perfectly fine to regularly have some alcohol after a certain point in the day in the office we are rapidly approaching that point where the whole idea of being on staff but reporting to a psycho is a bit of a non starter.

The odd thing is his predecessor was a natural leader and the person above him can do the job easily.

It’s just a bad, bad fit and one wonders how long an organization will allow it to continue but maybe that’s the point because a healthy organization will put a stop to it in short order and if the idiot sticks it speaks volumes about the company.

Friday I came to find out that no less than four other people have approached HR about this person’s behavior. He appears to have an especially big problem in communicating with people in a business environment.

I reached out about my bday and was directed back at my supervisor who at first had told me I couldn’t have the day off. Apparently in my absence, HR spoke with him and I got the day but I can tell you he didn’t do such a great job of hiding how angry he was about it.

Seriously, it’s stupid and childish. Maybe it’s age but I’m a bit removed from this kind of bullshit in the sense I don’t have time for this stupidity. To me, I‘m there to work. I don’t expect it to be about people kissing my ass but I won’t accept being abused or being a dumping ground either. In the last four or five weeks I’ve watched this person fuck up things so very much it’s simply amazing. The lack of knowledge is so glaring and I constantly wonder if that’s even registering for some people.

Anyway, shortly after I asked and got my bday off, I got another note from my supervisor, first it was, ‘Put in for four hours of PTO for Friday (the day I left early to get teeth pulled)’ to which I replied, ‘I don’t need to I was already over forty hours for the week.’

Why would I put in for paid time off when I was into overtime anyway (not like they’re going to give me overtime for those hours.

Shortly after that I got another email

PJ,

You had numerous dates out of the office for your dental work last month leading up to your procedure on 9/15.

Please recap to me those dates and times.  I would like to review them.

Thank you,

I know bullshit when I see it.

I suppose the narrative was supposed to be to present to his bosses that I had been taking off a lot of time to deal with my teeth (whether this is to justify his behavior or what). In the meantime though, every week I keep track of my comings and goings, whether I take lunch or not and over the last five or six week I had a low of 42 hours and a high of 54 hours. There wasn’t a single week where I didn’t work above forty hours.


And that was even coming in late or leaving early to deal with various doctor appointments.

So, I put together an email with everything over the last month, all the times I came in late or left early ALONG WITH ALL MY COMINGS AND GOINGS FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH.

Here is the breakdown of time since the beginning of August as you requested. No PTO was necessary as each week I have exceeded 40 hours.

Hours week ending Fri 08/04
Mon - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 6:30 -  9.0 hours
Tues - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 5:45 -  8.25 hours
Wed - start 12:00 - no lunch - end 6:00 -  6.0 hours
Thurs - start 9:30 - 45 min - end 8:15 -  10.0 hours
Fri - start 9:30 - 15 min - end 6:15 -  8.5 hoursTotal for week 41.75

Hours week ending Fri 08/11Mon - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 9:00 -  11.5 hours
Tues - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 8:15 -  10.75 hours
Wed - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 7:00 -  9.5 hours
Thurs - start 2:00 -   - end 9:00 -  7.00 hours .  <— Dental Clinic appt
Fri - start 9:30 -   - end 9:00 -  11.5 hoursTotal for week 50.25

Hours week ending Fri 08/18
Mon - start 10:00 - no lunch - end 7:30 -  9.5 hours
Tues - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 1:15 am -  15.75 hours
Wed - out
Thurs - start 9:30 - 45 min - end 8:15 -  11.5 hours
Fri - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 2:00 -  4.5 hours  <— Oral Surgeon appt
Total for week 41.25

Hours week ending Fri 08/25Mon - start 9:00 - no lunch - end 6:30 -  9.5 hours
Tues - start 9:30 - .25 lunch - end 9:00 -  11.25 hours
Wed - start 9:45 - .5 lunch - end 10:00 -  11.75 hours
Thurs - start 10:15 - 45 min - end 9:30 -  11.25 hours
Fri - start 3:00 - no lunch - end 7:00 -  4.0 hours  <— Dr (GP) appt
Total for week 47.75

Hours week ending Fri 09/01
Mon - start 9:45 - 1 hr lunch - end 7:30 -  8.75 hours
Tues - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 6:30 -  9.0 hours
Wed - start 9:00 - no lunch - end 9:30 -  12.50 hours
Thurs - start 12:00 - no lunch - end 9:00 -  9.00 hours
Fri - start 9:00 - no lunch - end 11:30 -  14.5 hours
Total for week 53.75

Hours week ending Fri 09/08
Mon - paid holiday -  8.00 hours
Tues - start 8:45 - no lunch - end 6:00 -  9.25 hours
Wed - start 9:30 - no lunch - end 7:00 -  9.50 hours
Thurs - start 8:30 - .75 lunch - end 5:45 -  8.50 hours
Fri - start 10:00 - 1.0 lunch - end 8:00 -  9.00 hours
Sun - start 10:00 - no lunch - end 6:00 -  8.00 hours
Total for week 52.25

Hours week ending Fri 09/15
Mon - start 10:30 - .25 lunch - end 8:15 -  9.5 hours
Tues - start 9:30 - .5 lunch - end 6:45 -  8.75 hours
Wed - start 10:00 - no lunch - end 8:15 -  10.25 hours
Thurs - start 9:30 - .75 lunch - end 6:45 -  8.50 hours
Fri - start 10:30 - no lunch - end 2:30 -  4.00 hours  <— Dental Surgery
Total for week 41.00

And I cc’d our HR person as well on the request too because it struck me as so very odd and given the context of his behavior I wanted to cover myself.

Well, nothing was funnier than the very terse email I got back from the idiot:

PJ,

1. Please make live work a priority.

2. I asked for a recap of when you were out. not when you were here.

3. no further action is needed.

Thank you

Yeah sorry about that dick, I kinda know what you were up to. You wanted to know when I was ‘out’ only and not when I was ‘here’ to put it in a negative light. I wouldn’t have bothered with it if you hadn’t asked me for it but you’re so amazingly transparent it’s not hard to see what you’re up to.

This is my life currently. It’s not as if work isn’t difficult enough, I’ve got little Hitler running around trying to establish his new reich. Of course I sent off his reply to the HR person as well, but honestly who needs crap like this.

Just another example of the Peter Principle in action.

Oh and let’s not forget those ‘NUMEROUS DATES’ I was out of the office... you can’t make stuff like this up.

A special day.

Today was a special day for me. I had off and I’m not going to say why it was a special day but it was.

How do I spend a special day?

Well, I took a trip down to the DMV and renewed my license. It took almost two hours and at one point I actually nodded off for a little bit. I don’t remember the DMV being so bad but then again, I went to White Plains which can be a bit of a cluster fuck.

After that I got a haircut.

Then I took myself out for a meal at a favorite Greek place and had Moussaka.

After that I went to the supermarket and turned in empties (soda, only soda!) and then threw the dirty clothes in at the laundromat and went over to drop off and pick up my shirts.

I folded everything and walked in a little while ago.

I didn’t mow the lawn like I wanted (much to my neighbors chagrin no doubt). I didn’t do the sink full of dishes but I did get some stuff done.

And that’s a good day.

I reached the end of the day feeling as if I’ve gotten some things done and accomplished something and really that’s what it’s all about.

Well, that’s over.

A week ago Friday I got not one but two teeth removed.

What happened was this, I was up until a few years ago, Mister Triboro in the sense I had three bridges in my mouth. One in the back on the upper right and two in the back on the left. Bridges don’t last forever and about five years ago, the tooth that acted as the post for the bridge on the upper right got decay to the point where it became a problem.

At the time, my health insurance was really not in effect because I had watched as my premiums had gone from an affordable $230 a month all the way up to over $900 a month and this wasn’t a matter of having dental insurance either.

As far as Dental Insurance went, when I did have some money, I made the enormous mistake of going to NYU Dental and having them do extensive work on my teeth. It was a mistake that will haunt me for the REST OF MY LIFE.

All the teeth that NYU Dental worked on have been nothing but problems. As a matter of fact, I probably will wind up losing most if not all the teeth they did do work on and it just so happens that those teeth are all the uppers in the front of my mouth.

Currently I have two front teeth that are stumps, I just haven’t been able to afford to get them fixed. Work being irregular as a freelancer was certainly part of it and not having dental insurance another part of it.

So that tooth that acted as a post was the very rear molar and I did go to an good endodontist who did a root canal but there wasn’t a lot of the tooth and over time what was left really wasn’t worth saving an it had to come out. So on the upper right I’m missing the back two molars. In my mind the thought is to ultimately get implants put in.

Now earlier this year the bridge on the upper left started to get loose. I had every hope that it would be a matter of just reseating the bridge. This happened back in February and for awhile I was able to put the bridge back in even after it popped out but then it seemed too much to do that and I went to the dental clinic and they told me there wasn’t anything there for them to really save.

So for the last few months I’ve had four stumps in my mouth.

Back in August, I was shopping after work one night when I came home to make dinner and it seemed like someone had hit the side of my face with a brick. Honestly it was THAT painful.

Anyway, with the backdrop of continual stupidity at work, I was left to try and figure out how to deal. I went to the dental clinic and even though they didn’t see an infection they did prescribe antibiotics which helped a little but they also told me to see my GP and get the teeth removed.

I saw the GP and he said it was TMJ but I had the teeth removed and wouldn’t you know but I still had an infection and the Oral Surgeon told me she ‘cleaned it out’ which I leave to your imagination only in the sense once the teeth did come out it was akin to popping a pimple.

I got another round of antibiotics and while I am worried about truly beating the infection I do feel a lot better than I was feeling. Not great but much better which tells you how truly bad I was feeling.

Anyway, if you’ve noticed I haven’t had much of a chance to write over the last two or three weeks and a lot has been happening. Most everything centers around work these days which is a bit of bullshit.

I did want to touch base though, I’m still here... I just haven’t had the wherewithal to do too much other than drag my ass back and forth to work.

Ha haaa haaa haaa

And the best thing is the hand wringing of these idiots who say anything about the man,

It's so important for him to be Presidential when they show absolutely no respect for him or the office. Boy though is it hilarious, especially since Hillary has embarked on another ‘blame’ tour. He took something that made fun of her and retweeted it, awww...

The other shoe.

So a few things happened...

One after push back the deadline got extended (I know, amazing! How funny?).

Two, you know our other team member who appears to have a problem being at his desk for any prolonged period of time has finally become subject to a bit more intense scrutiny about what he’s working on and the timing of those materials.

Today, I went in early and busied myself all day on the ‘big’ project essentially doing cleanup for my team member. He spent an entire week on this getting little actual work done and having three other people help him on it and it was still unfinished.

It’s just amazing.

So, I’ve been slowly making my way through everything and making sure it goes out right but it’s taken me out of the loop because I’m on a single thing without being wrapped up in his craziness.

Truthfully I couldn’t be happier.

I just come in and sit down and go through things getting stuff out and finished. Getting materials ready so we’re not rushing around at the 11th hour because we’re up against it. Mind you, it’s not easy, IT’S WORK. But, it’s work without the stupidity of working on something that is on deadline and having someone who keeps talking about how it’s on deadline but doesn’t appear to be all that concerned about anchoring themselves to their desk and finishing it.

Today with an even limited amount of work that needed to be done it still got down to the wire but fortunately I was not dragged into the cyclone of stupidity.

Now, even with the day off this week I’ll get overtime. I mean I did back to back nine hour days without a break so it isn’t as if I’m just kicking back with my feet up. But I am in control of my own destiny and that’s something.

It hasn’t stopped the huffing and puffing, it hasn’t stopped the sighing, it also hasn’t stopped the texting or the many breaks but at least it doesn’t affect me. Tomorrow is another day (I always write a little in advance when I can) and I can say after three or four weeks of being involved in someone else’s nuttiness even though there is a good workload the stress level has gone done a bit.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

So, my blog has turned into a gripefest about my job, wonderful.

What a waste.

I took a staff job to bring a certain structure to life, a way to be able to maintain a steady income that would allow me to focus on other aspects of my life that I’ve neglected and instead work has all but taken over every aspect of life.

I try to be nice but there comes a certain limit where I begin to push back. I’ve decided that a nine hour day is enough of a commitment to an employer. This seems very realistic except in my current setting. It’s only a matter of time before this idea that a nine hour day is not enough becomes a point of contention and a focus of conflict.

Today was almost one of the day as I had an inordinate amount of work dumped on me with a short deadline. So, the idea here is that you’ll do a good job in an extremely short timeframe. It’s simply a lose, lose situation. You’re left with the chouce of doing a job half assed or blowing your deadline.

Monday, help was assigned to this particular project after I made it clear I would be leaving at a reasonable hour but somehow even though three other people were assigned to the project they couldn’t manage to finish everything and the folks in charge deemed to cut them loose at a reasonable hour (8:30). Seeing as how I’ve been stuck there on my own until 9:30, 11:30, 1:30 it was an especially nice Fusk You. So when I got in today I was confronted with a bunch of unfinished work which carried over into today as well as additional work with more work backed up behind it.

Seriously.

Now in the meantime, the other member of my ‘team,’ the person who is supposed to be leading things but who has but who has consistently underestimated timing and deadlines and appears to be very preoccupied with doing everything but work was heavily sighing all day long because the noose is getting tighter.

Mind you, the person in question is personable, a kibitzer to be sure but also has the idea that leading means doing less work and not more. This is something I was talking to another friend on the job about as we both have managed people and talked about how you wind up doing a hell of a lot more work not less.

My friend though thinks that this will only allow him to enjoy his tea parties all the more throughout the day.

I’m almost tempted to put a stopwatch on him, seriously because between getting up and running off to retouching to have a conversation, chatting with other people in the office, spending time watching the rip, texting on his phone, instant messaging people, spending time in the kitchen or bathroom, we’re talking about on a good day there being perhaps two solid hours of work getting done.

And even then, it’s not a question of it being done and gone, more it’s a question of it being done and coming back and coming back again and coming back a third time and then coming back a fourth time and then going into the following week... but he’s in bright and early every day and then manages somehow to stay late each night?

It’s truly miraculous to behold.

I really wouldn’t give a crap if I wasn’t being forced to pick up the slack. After a month of it, I’ve grown more than a little tired of it.

Anyway around 3 pm it was clear that the deadline wasn’t going to be met and I raised a red flag that either help needed to be forthcoming or expectations weren’t going to be met to which I got what could be considered a good fuck you, this is dumped in your lap.

Well, it’s around this time I’m looking at the door.

Mind you, in the last four or five weeks for the first time in my life I’ve developed TMJ which I have no doubt arises from the stress of the job. So, it’s as if my body is sending me a very clear message and I’m listening now. Really. The amount of pain I deal with currently on a daily basis from the TMJ is pretty incredible. I have a decent tolerance for pain but I admit it when I’m beat and I’m beat now.

So, we’re basically at a point where it’s no longer a question of if as much as when.

This should be interesting so stay tuned.

Focus.

So today once more my supervisor came by and struck me. This is getting to the point where I am going to respond and when I respond it will be with a finality that will be clear. I cannot imagine how anyone can think it’s okay to put their hands on another person and think it’s okay especially in a professional setting.

But, I’m a guy and if a guy makes noise about these things were pussies. Seriously, that’s the double standard that’s employed because as a guy I’m supposed to just suck it up and take it when some other guy thinks it’s okay even though I want to punch his lights out.

I’m always amazed too at the liberties people can take not truly knowing who you are as a person or your history. Understand, I carry myself at work a very specific way, a way that is light years away from my origins. People who know me a long time know those origins and know full well certain boundaries are never meant to be crossed.

 I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this without blowing it up.

In the meantime, work has caused me such a level of stress that I’ve developed TMJ, years of working as a freelancer, years of worrying about where the next gig would begin and when the current one would end while causing me tension never resulted in what I face now.

I cannot begin to describe the incredible PAIN I deal with daily. I mean the kind of thing that just swallows up a whole side of my head and causes me a degree of pain that I though I might be having a heart attack.

Yes, that’s the kind of stress I’ve been dealing with.

So, August is in the books and there wasn’t a single week where I didn’t do overtime, mind you one of those weeks was a three and a half day week and I STILL WENT OVER FORTY HOURS!

 Anyway, I resolved that I can’t do it anymore. Seriously. I mean it’s starting to impact my health in a very negative way. So today after I received a call asking the I come in early (which was the second time in a three day weekend that work intruded) I came in earlier than I was asked to and made sure I left at a reasonable hour.

My co-worker is trying very much to be a nice guy and a bit of a martyr but I just can't be dragged along on the crazy train anymore.

So, like I said the TMJ, WOW! I mean super pain! Pain bigger than I’ve ever felt in a long time!

Today in the middle of the day I tried eating lunch and BOOM! TMJ! No eating for you! Seriously moving the jaw at all was just an exercise in torture!

But, on the flip side, let’s take a look at the silver lining because we can always take the bad and obsess over it!

One of the goals I’ve had is to quite simple lose some weight. Plainly put, as one idiot described it, I’m a fat fuck (which was funny because the person who said this was a fatter fuck). I do want to lose weight though. I’ve watched as the scale has gone in the opposite direction for awhile now and I’ve maxed out at 240 at times which seriously is somewhat abhorrent to me.

Then I’ve been weighing myself in the last few days...

Stress, lots of time at the job without eating, not eating at night when I come home, not having much of an appetite in general and eating less during lunch as it is...

Well I weighed myself this morning and truthfully something is wrong with the scale.

It said 218.

Then I weighed myself this evening and it lied again.

It said 212.

I haven’t weighed that in eight years.

So, in even the darkest cloud there is a silver lining. I think my scale is lying to me but if it isn’t, I have to be happy because I am moving in a direction I want to be moving and can soon start exercising as well.

It doesn’t mean life sucks any less but at least there is some positives to be found!

Balance.

So I talked about work at length  and I also talked about my current employer’s obsession with time.

In a few short weeks, I will have my annual anniversary and arrive at the ripe old age of 57, that‘s not old but it isn’t young either.


The thing about it is that I probably have less ahead of me than what is behind me in regards to life. It means that every moment is all the more precious to me than ever before.

When you’re young, life stretches out before you, it’s an unending path that you can’t possibly contemplate drawing to a close. You don’t believe your will never die because you are immortal. You will live forever and the milestones of age seem so far off as to not even be attainable because they are so very far away.

Get to the point I’m at and you realize that you don’t have an expiration date and that the date you do expire can arrive like a big surprise, life holds no guarantees.

So, balance becomes ever more important to you.

As I look at life now, there are things that I want, that I need. I want a partner more than anything. Life is empty without a partner and really people are never at their best without another person to moderate them. I have one person I would hope to be a partner but that person is really unavailable and I've started searching again.

Having a partner can go a long way to providing a person with a certain amount of solace when faced with the struggles we all are faced with.

Also, I want to be able to have structure. The reason I took a staff job was to gain structure to my life. I have a diminishing amount of time and energy and the job currently sucks both of those out of life so it’s not a good fit.

A good life is one that has balance.

You know, I’d like to be able to do more in my community. I worked in the food pantry locally and also volunteered for the local ambulance corps. I had thought that working a regular job would allow me the stability and structure where I would be able to engage in those efforts but it’s turning out not to be the case.

Now, that’s an important thing.

Anyway, I’m droning...

As I get older, my time... the minute, the moments become all the more valuable because there is a decreasing reservoir of them from which to draw. This is a really, really important thing. Anything that detracts from that can’t be viewed as anything less than detrimental to the overall quality of life.

The reason I am progressing down this path is because work, so obsessed with time, expects you to readily sacrifice it without paying you for it. It’s a little funny how they can be so miserly but expect you as an employee to be extremely charitable.

I’m not buying into it.

Thing is if you want good people, do you understand the message you send to them?

Just in case.

If anyone thought I was making it up about the person who took over the department being in over his head after a 50 plus hour week, leaving at 11:30 on a Friday night, exactly what I thought would happen has started happening.

All day Saturday I was deluged by texts from this idiot.

Why?

Because he’s not able to do his job and he desperately needs people to hold his hand. So, I got a series of texts from who I shall henceforth refer to as clowny boy. Clowny boy texted me and I woke up and saw the texts an hour or two after I got them and responded. Of course, clowny boy in the midst of his panic attack no longer can’t be bothered to text back.

I had to go, log in to my work email and reach out to the AE on the account, which I did. After some back and forth, a short while later clowny boy checked in with some more texts in his frat boy clubbishness.

A few more hours passed and then I got another text from our hero telling me I was needed on ‘stand-by’ for a call at 5pm. My response was, “This is billable time.”

Of course I didn’t hear anything after that.

Today I got a phone call which thankfully I did not pick up with our hero intruding for the third time on the long weekend with work.

He left a message.

I’ve blocked his number.

The company I’m working for has a time clock, you punch in and punch out and are paid on those entries. As far as I can see, if an employer is going to be so miserly and obsessed about time I certainly shouldn’t be giving up any of mine in charity.

I’ve been told by several people to simply quit.

It’s fascinating to me, I mean in the sense that if I take a step back from the situation, it appears to be a total abuse but then I think to myself is this really worth it? Again, I can’t control other people I can only control myself and set limits. It’s clear my current employer or at least my current supervisor believes there are no limits whatsoever.

Further, I’ve seen him contradict his behavior in what he says and what he does on more than one occasion. Specifically although I was told telecommuting was part and parcel of the job, I’ve been told I haven’t been with the company long enough to telecommute even though I’ve seen clowny boy give work to others who have started after I started to take home with them.

Oh, and did I mention this same buffoon has thought it’s okay to walk by my desk and punch me in the shoulder? Last time I checked, that’s something you don’t do. Would you believe I have never had ANYONE do that to me in the workplace.

I mean this is becoming simply amazing.

But you know, talking about shitty work situations is never a good thing. The best thing I think I can do is to manage to take a bit of a mental vacation as often as possible and remove myself from the immediacy of the surroundings and people. Carving out that little amount of space away from the insanity of other people to keep myself sane.
 

The bait and switch.

So, I was going to talk about more adventures in working or at least being ON STAFF and working which has been something of a shock to the system for me.

The place I’m working at currently presented the situation to me one way and it is rapidly becoming apparent that the way it was presented is far from the reality of the situation. I came in and was reporting to one person who shortly after I started switched roles as a new person took over the same position.

Big difference.

The new person has managed to alienate more than a few people in the process. Walking around the shop and introducing himself to people as their ‘boss’ when in fact he isn’t at all. They actually report to other people and he thinks that their geographical location in the office places them in his kingdom which it doesn’t.

It’s lead to a certain level of acrimony to say the least.

I’ve seen that this same guy has a huge lack of knowledge in how to break down work and resources in such a way as to make things run smoothly. I took a look at his professional profile and realize how readily bullshit can carry someone far in this world.

Me, I’m a mule.

I’ve been in my business for a long, long time now and I’ve managed people and big projects as well but when I was bought into the company I’m currently working for, I was bought in as a grunt. Basically, I was bought in as another cog in the machine and I DO mean machine. I haven’t worked for an employer that was so obsessed with time down to the seconds as this one to the point that it’s somewhat demeaning.

Literally you punch a clock when you arrive in the morning. You walk through the doors and immediately have to ‘punch in’ on the timeclock after which when you get to your computer you have to ‘log in’ and then set up the job you are working on. I understand billing but it is literally an obsession with this company.

And as I said it is somewhat demeaning.

Now, I was told originally that telecommuting was acceptable and part and parcel of the normal day to day operations in that employees often do telecommute. That’s proved not to be the case although I have been spending an incredible inordinate amount of time in the office. I mean the kind of days where I am working twelve or more hours without taking any kind of a break, eating at my desk and the capper is that at the end of the day, this company doesn’t even have any kind of account with a car service so as in Friday which was a fifteen hour day after a twelve and a half hour day the day before I had to take the subway to the train (which is of course the booze train late on a Friday night) and suffer through sitting next to what appeared a homeless woman for the ride home.

That tells me just exactly how important I am to a company.

Today as I tried to recover from this I got text messages from the idiot I report to.

Why?

Because he is so entirely in over his head.

And the truth of it is I can’t remember a worse situation until I think back to my last staff gig when they thought I was on call 24/7.

Today I got a text from my ‘boss’ that I needed to be on ‘standby’ for a possible call at 5pm and my response was ‘so this is billable time?’ and of course I didn’t hear anything back. You’ve got to truly love a company that wants to micromanage and pay you down to the second but expects you to ‘donate’ your time to them.

I can’t abide that.

I’m sorry but I’ve been doing this long enough not to buy into this idea that I need to feel lucky to have a job while other people get rich off of my labors. The company I’m working for currently has no profit sharing, doesn’t contribute in any way to a 401k and as I said has employees punching the clock each and every day and apparently people are supposed to be thankful for being paid overtime.

Why is it I’m not drinking the kool aid.

I’m very much about keeping a certain demeanor and professionalism when it comes to work. At the same time, I took a staff job only for stability and what I’m seeing is not stable at all because there is no balance to it.

If the ask is I walk in the door at a specific time every day then I expect that the consequence is that I walk out at a specific time and if that’s not the case and the idea is that departure time is open ended then thre needs to be some flexibility or what we are talking about is a form of slavery. Maybe I’m, just too stupid or dense to accept that.

I catch myself, seriously because some of the things I saw by my manager on Friday were so wildly inappropriate it’s amazing. I can forgo that fact that the person in question has walked by and struck me several times in what he thinks is a friendly way. I don’t take people laying their hands on me as friendly in the slightest sense of the word. Seriously, it’s all I can do to keep from punching someone for taking such liberties. Even close friends don’t do that but this idiot thinks it’s okay.

This hasn’t happened once either.

You’re not a pal, I can’t say I particularly like you and I can see how you are trying to take advantage of me, I’m not stupid.

Anyway, this is the adventure I am on. As I have said in the past, what’s important to me is to carry myself as a professional at all times. I do catch myself though and have to step back. What I am amazed by however is that a company can win business and then not allocate the proper resources or put the proper people in place to adequately serve that client. It takes so much in this industry to win business and then to see people try to cheap out just shows you penny-wise, pound-foolish mentality when it comes to organizational direction.

The only good thing in all of this is that my phone is continuing to ring. In the sense that in the last two or three weeks I’ve gotten more than a few calls to see if I was available. It gives me a level of solace that I am in demand.

You know I wanted stability, I wanted to be in an organization for a long time and not worry about going from job to job, I wanted success and all I am seeing over the last four weeks is nothing but dysfunction and abuse and honestly at the age I am currently I have little tolerance for either.

I can't express how disappointed I am but the one thing I know I have to do under these circumstances is not to allow myself to succumb to the negativity around me, I can’t let it ‘steal my joy.’

It’s a lesson for life, whenever we encounter situations like this, not to wallow in it and to remain confident and to rise above them. Ideally I want to do good work, I want to be a benefit and a positive force to the people and the world around me. I know that to some it sounds corny, but I think there is so little control we have over the world that the only thing we can try and do is to influence the people and the world around us in positive ways.

Why should we ever let other people bring us down?

When you find out what your friends really think of you.

Let’s all remember this, the next time there’s another terror attack. The next time a nation is overrun and looking for people from another country to save them.

Let’s just see another example of exactly what the Left thinks is funny because in one fell swoop this defines it especially well:

Thought for the day...

I still find this fascinating. It’s an oddity to be sure, it’s a bit of a combination of a poem put to music as much as it is a song but there was something in it that I always found amazing:

He would see faces in movies, on T.V., in magazines, and in books...
He thought that some of these faces might be right for him...
And through the years, by keeping an ideal facial structure fixed in his mind...
Or somewhere in the back of his mind...
That he might, by force of will, cause his face to approach those of his ideal...
The change would be very subtle...It might take ten years or so...
Gradually his face would change its' shape...
A more hooked nose...wider, thinner lips...beady eyes...a larger forehead.
He imagined that this was an ability he shared with most other people...
They had also molded their faced according to some ideal...
Maybe they imagined that their new face would better
Suit their personality...Or maybe they imagined that their
Personality would be forced to change to fit the new appearance...
This is why first impressions are often correct...
Although some people might have made mistakes...
They may have arrived at an appearance that bears no relationship to them...
They may have picked an ideal appearance based on some childish
Whim, or momentary impulse...
Some may have gotten half-way
There, and then changed their minds.
He wonders if he too might have made a similar mistake.

 

The absolute fucking coolest thing ever.

Alright so I am a geek or a nerd or whatever you want to call it but the fact is from way back I have always had a love for the mass transit systems of New York particularly the trains. Whether it be the subway or the commuter train there has always been a special place in my heart for them.

I’m a big one regarding the city’s history, so much so that I took the test to be a tour guide not as a career choice as much as to challenge myself at a time when I had the luxury of time.

The architecture of the city and the infrastructure of the city has always fascinated me.

So when I came across this website I couldn’t help but be totally amazed, gleeful and extremely happy. I only wish that there was a way to turn this into a screensaver because if there was I would!

REAL TIME TRACKING!

Fun times.

I haven’t posted this week which bothers me given the fact that I’ve been pretty good about putting up regular content for most of this year.

But, in my defense... aside from the very nice infection I have in my jaw that provides me with a more or less constant reminder of what it is to be in pain, let’s just add to that the very disorganized and scattered ‘team’ I’ve been working with who don’t appear to plan all that well or communicate much better.

This week I had the wonderful luxury of being at work until 1:15 in the morning. This of course was because someone couldn’t manage expectations properly and decided to bring something in at 4:30 promising the client it would be ready the next day.

I have to confess to a great love of people who are in positions of authority and who don’t manage expectations except on the backs of others. In this case there was the jewel of being told late (around midnight) that I could just not worry about being in on time the next day and that I could come late, say 10am (when my normal start time is (9:30am). You’ve got to love that.

Needless to say I walked in my door sometime around 2:30 and didn’t get to sleep until 3:30 and really wasn’t all that worried about what time I would get in the next day if I got in at all. The funny thing about work is that while I do care about my work and the quality of it, I really don’t pay much attention to people who are idiots.

The next day I got up around 10:30 and then sent an email saying that I would try to be in by 2 but honestly within the next hour I felt so incredibly spent, spent in the sense I could actually feel it in my shoulders (I know it sounds strange but it’s true) that I tapped out. And when I did go in the following day I had a conversation with the folks in HR about managing expectations because at the age I’m at I’m simply not willing to die for a stupid deadline.

As it was, I was at work on Thursday until 9:30 and didn't walk in my door until 11.

I left early on Friday to deal with the whole infection/dental thing and still managed to log overtime for the week (EVEN MISSING WEDNESDAY!).

The dental thing is another story, I have to have teeth pulled and I’m supposed to have someone with me so they can knock me out for it. Let’s just say the person who was supposed to be there wasn’t and the dental thing turned into a nightmare anyway with me sitting in the waiting room for over an hour and a half and finally going up to complain. This got me in for a set of x-rays and a meeting with a oral surgeon that was all of three minutes explaining they would have to get authorization for the procedure om;y drawing things out more.

And of course at work, the idea is how much more can be piled on to the plate...

Let’s just say it’s been a week and leave it at that - my only thought now is when, oh when are my numbers coming up in the lottery!


Later this week, if I can I will write about my sudden discovery that I’m a White Supremacist. Seriously. It should make for good reading so stay tuned.

You can't make stuff like this up!

So awhile back in a moment when I admittedly was a little lit and I had just rewatched the old unreleased Global Frequency pilot, thinking of the crap that Showtime seems to invest money in, I did some digging, found the name of the person in charge of development at the network and sent off and email.

Mind you, this was very much message in a bottle, I did not think anything would come of it at all:

From: Me

Sent: Wednesday, July 05, 2017 8:29 PM
To: Levine, Gary
Subject: Watch this

And ask yourself why you haven’t put this into development?

Mark Burnett was involved in this pilot that the CW passed on

Jerry Bruckheimer was involved with a second option.

This should be a series.

Watch the original pilot here:

https://youtu.be/EShP8FbVW_k

Look at the source material here:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401237975/

Now this was WEEK’S AGO and really in all honesty it didn’t amount to much of a blip in life. I love Ellis’ work (or at least some of it) and thought how Global Frequency was prescient, even more relevant today than when Ellis wrote it and was very disappointed it appeared to die on the vine. People have taken two runs at it and it hasn’t made it to TV and that first pilot is simply amazing! I still cannot believe they passed on this.

Imagine my surprise today when I got an email that I at first thought was spam:

On Aug 14, 2017, at 6:53 PM, *******, Melinda wrote:

PJ ********

Dear PJ ********:

I am responding to your recent submission to Gary Levine.  We appreciate the courtesy of professional people and other members of the creative community who wish to suggest material, including program concepts and formats and literary material, for our use.

However, because we receive many suggestions that duplicate those previously made either by members of our own staff or by others, and because we may independently commence using material similar to yours that we receive or generate after the date of your submission, it has become necessary for us to adopt the policy of refusing to consider any unsolicited material.

Accordingly, we are returning your material as submitted.  We do appreciate your interest in our company.

Best regards,

Melinda *******
Executive Vice President
Business Affairs and Production

I responded thusly:

Thanks for the laugh, I hardly expected a response and certainly am amazed to receive a form letter in the effort of avoiding any legal liability. Maybe it’s commentary on how litigious our society has become that you are compelled to respond in such a manner. It was merely a suggestion though and whether or not Showtime follows up on it I don’t have a dog in the hunt so to speak as I am not the author of the work. But it is quite funny that one would be compelled to reach out in such a manner.

I can only hope that someone, somewhere in the network will contact Warren Ellis and move this to television. I promise you I won’t sue.

Adventures in working.

So, I dropped the bombshell earlier this week about my taking a staff job. It’s been an interesting mind shift to be sure.

I don’t shy away from work like some people and as I’ve said before it’s important for me to do a good job, obsessively important. I don’t like to be a fuck up, I don’t like making mistakes but I know in the case of the job I’m coming to the table with some holes in my knowledge because the work I’m doing is packaging and I’m learning about some things as I go.

I don’t have a lot of knowledge about the intricacies of printing, I just don’t and I can’t say I’ve ever been that focused on it. I didn’t want to know about it and on a level I still don’t but that is a part of my job now.

However, one of the things I do bring to the table is an understanding of process, and how to get things done efficiently and consistently. Also, my bigger concern is about design itself and how there is a consistent message presented to the consumer. It’s interesting if only that many of these ‘rules’ could be carried over to the work in the instance where you are doing what they refer to as brand extensions, in essence taking an already established design and reworking it to a different format.

Here I sing.

But, the rub I am quickly finding out is that while the company I have hitched my wagon to is growing, they are severely understaffed. Perhaps this is one of the rubs about companies today in that they don’t staff up unless they absolutely need to.

So the flip side is that they hold out overtime as something of a perk.

Now, I don’t mind making money but the flip side to that is hoestly that my days are very, vary long even without overtime. I am up at 5:30 and don’t walk back in my door until 7 at the earliest or 8 most evenings. That leaves precious little time for me and for standard life maintenance. Were not talking big things here either, were talking really simple stuff like laundry and food shopping and some cleaning around the house. It’s not as if we’re talking about extravagance here.

Over the last two weeks I’ve been suffering from lack of maintenance.

I have bad teeth and if I were Peter David I’d be putting out he call to see what monies I could drum up to get them repaired but I’m not a comic book writer with a bunch of fanboys, I’m just another working schlub so I have to suck it up and take care of it myself.

The week before last, I had a weird thing happen in that I went to a supermarket after work and when I got home and got about the business of preparing something to eat (although why I eat at night really doesn’t make much sense these days) I was sticken by the most incredible pain I’ve experienced in some time.

I had pain all through my jaw on the left side from the join along the cheekbone and down through the jawline itself. It was so painful, it hurt to even chew. It was really bad.

In the ensuing days, I began to wonder what had happened. If you}re a guy reading this you understand unless you are out and out on death’s door, you remove yourself from these things and become a bit analytical about them, holding off on the doctor and the like at your own peril.

I figured it had to do with my bad teeth and so I went into the dentist this week knowing that tye wouldn’t be able to fix it (pull the tooth) but rather they’d only be able to take an x-ray, confirm that there was an infection, give me antibiotics and a referral.

Well I did that and they didn’t find so much of an infection although the point is where it could be might actually not be where they x-rayed so I’m on antibiotics at the moment.

But back to work... we are understaffed which has meant that each day this week has been a long one. I bring lunch and eat at my desk and most days don’t take any kind of break at all. Even the day I went to see the dentist and came in a little before 2 pm turned into a full day as I didn’t leave until 9... and then they asked me to work on the weekend with the offer of ‘overtime’ as if I would see dollar signs.

But I don’t

I’ve been doing this long enough that I know there will always be a crisis and working yourself like an animal won’t be appreciated. It just won’t. Instead you’ll only be cast aside when you break down. Also I wound up late again on Friday night and as the weekend approached I had already logged over 50 hours and you know what, at the age I’m at, I’m done.

If younger people want to work like dogs more power to them.

I want work yes, but I also want to be able to enjoy the remainder of my days as they grow ever shorter.

So, while initially I agreed to work on the weekend as the clock got later and later on Friday afternoon I let my supervisor know not to expect me on the weekend. It’s not mandatory and truthfully even if it was I wouldn’t do it. I’ve offered to telecommute on especially long days because 3 hours of my day is taken up by commuting and I think that’s more than fair. They are actively looking into making that happen now but I don’t think they would if it wasn’t to their interest.

Yet, working an entire week with pain that I don’t make mention of but that I’m well aware of every time I chew something, working many days in a row wothout taking a break, feeling as if I’m always behind, watching other people make decisions about process which appear counter productive, well, I think you’re getting the gist here.

It’s about boundaries.

On the good side since I’ve taken this job, I’ve gotten two calls for other things! Go figure.

And while I feel like I am not doing the level of excellence I want the people in charge at work keep telling me how happy they are with me. They may be happy but I’m not. I really want things to run more smoothly but then maybe there’s the difference in working for yourself and working in a company.

Always a good laugh.

I like reading Peter David’s Freak Out Fridays because they are so over the top and pathetic they make for a good read.

This week, our boy Peter... mooch supreme, arrogant asshole extraordinaire, poster boy for the pompous buffoon, opines on Trump and North Korea telling us that ‘how could the people who voted for Trump not see a difference between him and Hillary.’

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

You do realize that Hillary was the Secretary of State for almost FOUR YEARS!

YOU’VE GOT TO AND IT TO OUR FRIENDS ON THE LEFT, TOTAL DENIAL!

Here we are on the cusp of a dictator having the means to destroy an American city in the lower 48 and after almost two decades of appeasement there are still people left in this country who think soft pedaling a dictator is the way to go.

Ummm... you guys ever hear of Neville Chamberlain? These are the kind of folks who would’ve thought Winston Churchill was a war monger. Somehow in their backwards logic, rolling over is the way to a win. Maybe it says a lot about David that he actually believes that works when history show us example after example of it failing.

The speculation on David’s part shows a shrill panic and amazing ignorance of the world around us.

The Chinese are currently threatening all out war on India. Oddly enough David and many of his ilk are not calling the Chinese ‘nut jobs’ are they? You know what they call the pacifists of the world who are too afraid to confront evil? Casualties. That’s what they are.

In one breath, David points to a policy that has proven to be impotent as the North Koreans have ever drawn closer to achieving the desired ability to strike at the mainland US while telling us that we should fear the reasoning skills of Kim Jong Un. Words are what is going to make Un attack us, words and the threat of annihilation?

I'm sorry, this is a man who has engaged in murder to tighten his the reins of power on the North Korean people, the only thing a bully understands is a good ass kicking. Placating a bully doesn’t do you any good at all. What does you good is making it absolutely clear that the only outcome is the end of the regime, it’s the thing the people in power in North Korea fear the most.

Also, let’s not forget that there has been a pretty steady stream of missiles flying around all over Asia as the North Koreans hone their skills. The only thing that managed to get the UN Security Council to wrap it’s arms around further sanctions against the Hermit Kingdom was the kind of rhetoric from the Trump Administration that made it clear if concrete steps were not taken then we would address the issue ourselves.

Yes, there’s a big difference between Trump and Hillary... Trump is actually getting things done with those words of his that have the idiots on the Left so very worried.

The only joke here is how much in denial these fools really are about the world around them.

Then again, that would mean they have to look in the mirror and do a real assessment and the truth of it is that folks like these are so self absorbed that’s an impossible task for them to complete.

The truth about a good life.

People talk about whether or not they live a good life and the truth of things is that you can judge whether or not you have a good life by one very, very simple standard.

Are you able to use the bathroom by yourself without anyone else’s help.

Seriously, you think this might be a small thing but it’s really not.

I remember my father being at the home and at one juncture pointedly telling me how much of a problem using the bathroom with anyone else around was for him and how modest he was. He remarked how the nurses would ‘assist’ him as he put it ‘like a baby’ and he didn’t feel any shame at all.

However, when you really think about it, being able to use the bathroom by yourself means you can walk and that you have your wits about you. It’s not much but it’s a pretty good thing when you thing about it.

Thank the Lord for being able to take a dump by yourself, there may come a day when you’ll be wishing you had that ability.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

I was looking at some pictures from an outing I had the other day with the subject of the head slap moment. You’d think I’d be a grownup by now and far beyond the pull of infatuation but I am still subject to the gravity that it exerts upon me.

And I hate it - I hate that trapped feeling that comes from that. The feeling that you are not in control of a situation so all you really want to do is to upend the game board and walk away.

That’s the best way I can describe things but I realized looking at that picture that there was some truth in this old passage from Faustus written by Christopher Marlowe:

Was this the face that launched a thousand ships   
And burnt the topless 2 towers of Ilium?   
Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss.
Her lips suck forth my soul; see where it flies!—   
Come, Helen, come, give me my soul again.   
Here will I dwell, for Heaven is in these lips,   
And all is dross that is not Helena.

I realize you can fall in love with a face. Very easily as a matter of fact even if it succumbs to the ravages of time you can still find beauty therein. That’s the case of the comet as I would refer to the subject in question.

I find myself drawn by both that face and the singsong quality and cadence of speech.

It’s all so very juvenile and easy to walk away from by simply ignoring it but if you pick at it like a scab you open the wound once more.

That face...

Time to come clean.

So something very eventful happened a few weeks back and I am still very much coming to terms with its impact on my life. After 20 years of being a mercenary, of being a hessian in the graphic arts field I finally found a staff job.

This is an unusual occurrence to be sure.

When was the last time I worked staff, anywhere?

That would be 1997 and since then even though I had been offered staff more than a few times I had turned it down because it didn’t seem like a good fit.

Time changes your outlook though and now at the point I am at in life as well as the age I am at like any game of musical chairs I’ve been looking for an open seat to park my ass in.

I like freelancing and probably would continue it if it wasn’t for the whole up and down nature of the business. You’ve got to be available all the time or lose a client who goes elsewhere. It’s really that simple. If the phone rings and you aren’t available they find someone else.

Plus, as far as I’m concerned in the last few years businesses have gotten more frugal in the sense they don‘t have people in unless it is absolutely necessary and it’s a crisis.

There’s simply no fun in being bought in at the eleventh hour when there’s been week’s or months of poor planning and all of a sudden you’re expected to be the savior of some disaster or at the very least be the fall guy if it does go off the rails.

It’s simply no fun and not what I want from my professional life.

The job I got while not perfect is okay and okay is fine. I can still look for another, better job if I want but I can also just do my work.

Work now has morphed, I was never one to be lazy when it came to work and I am rather particular about my work. I want to do a good job, I take great pride in my work and want to do the best job I can. It’s that important to me.

Also, I’m not a prima donna, the days are hard enough to get through, there’s no point in being an asshole to the people you work with. Someone said something to me once and it had me a little worried. The guy in question said to me that I don’t put up with shit (his actual words) on the job. I asked him was I difficult to work with? That really bothered me, I don’t want to be a beast to be around. But, he said I wasn’t at all it was just that people could tell I wouldn’t suffer their stupidity.

I’ve only been at my job a month now (on staff) after trying out for a week. The weeks have been long too, believe me. It seems I keep getting stuff thrown at me that’s a ‘crisis’ and I can’t say I‘m all that happy about it because it feels as if the inevitable will happen and there will be a catastrophe where I’m in the middle of things.

Friday, I was called into the department head’s office well at the end of the day. The first line manager is new himself and I didn’t think much of anything until he opened with, “How long have you worked here?”

It was in that moment I figured the experience of being a staffer was a short one and could feel the blood pressure rising in my ears.

He then continued, “Nothing bad, everyone is very happy with you work. As a matter of fact people keep asking what you’re working on and if you’re available to work on their projects. I know we’ve been bouncing you around a bit but that’s just for now. I wanted to let you know though that next week is going to be very busy and there will be a lot on your plate. You’ll start off the week wtih client A and there will also be work on client B and towards the end of the week they are likely to need your help on client C.”

“Where do you live? What’s your commute like?”

It took a second or two to absorb that because I couldn’t hear too well with the blood pounding in my ears and thinking what I could line up for the rest of the year. I’ve been in too many shops where Friday is THE day. There was one place I worked at early on where people would look to leave early Fridays if only to escape the axe. It was gallows humor.

Anyway, so... today is the beginning of what promises to be a hellish week I imagine and it’s not as if the preceding weeks have been all that easy.

But I keep reminding myself, I have a staff job, show up, do your work, keep your mouth shut. There are far too many people I know who have found themselves unable to get work after a certain age. I like to thing I’m great at what I do but still, I know enough to count my blessings even when I’m grumbling and dragging my ass out of bed on a Monday morning to schlep in and start another week,

Cue the diabolical laughter.

Perhaps the best thing Peter David is good for is the funny even if he doesn’t know it. Some people I read in earnest, not true with Peter who I read with an overwhelming awareness of irony.

In his weakly hysterical outburst David wrote the following for the Me2 drones...

It’s a bit fun to break down what David writes if only to show folks just how incredibly stupid the man is and how over the top much of the liberal rhetoric in this country can be:

It’s just that I’m looking at the state of the world.

You do mean how Obama left things, right? This I find incredibly humorous because the folks on the Left so readily run away from any responsibility they have while they’re in office. Things just ‘happen’ and they’re powerless to do anything. They don’t have a role in shaping the course of those events even though over the last few months you’ve heard them carp about diminishing American power on the world stage.

So, when you get right down to the state of the world you have to appreciate the dummies who don’t want to acknowledge the Nobel Peace Prize winning former President’s role in fucking it up. Obama was absolutely HORRID on the Foreign Policy front and we are currently dealing with many fires as a result of that. Of course, let’s not forget the folks who carried out that Foreign Policy, John Kerry and wait for it... wait for it... HILLARY CLINTON!

WOW!

The Russians obviously tampered with the election because they hated/feared Hillary that much.

 Hmmm... really. Yes, I can imagine there was no love lost between Vladimir Putin and Hillary Clinton and I would think that is in large part to Clinton’s own meddling in Russia’s internal affairs. American interference in Russia? No! You say!

Sorry but it’s true... and I’m not trotting out some right wing website to give you background take a read of this:

When mass protests against Russian President Vladimir Putin erupted in Moscow in December 2011, Putin made clear who he thought was really behind them: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

With the protesters accusing Putin of having rigged recent elections, the Russian leader pointed an angry finger at Clinton, who had issued a statement sharply critical of the voting results. “She said they were dishonest and unfair,” Putin fumed in public remarks, saying that Clinton gave “a signal” to demonstrators working “with the support of the U.S. State Department” to undermine his power. “We need to safeguard ourselves from this interference in our internal affairs,” Putin declared.

But it wasn’t the first time a Clinton interfered in Russian internal affairs:

It was September 1994, and Boris Yeltsin was in Washington for a state visit with his new friend, President Bill Clinton. The Soviet Union had collapsed just three years earlier, and a relationship was blossoming between the U.S. and Russia, one that held the promise of burying decades of hostility. Russia’s abrupt transition from communist dictatorship was chaotic, but a fragile democratic process and nascent capitalism were taking hold. U.S. officials entertained visions of a Western-friendly Russia as a partner in a stable and secure Europe. To that end, Clinton and Yeltsin had built an alliance on the shared goal of preventing a revanchist security state from taking power in Moscow and returning the U.S. and Russia to a Cold War state of hostility.

Mind you, imbeciles like David want to be purposefully ignorant that 2016 likely was not the first time Russians interfered in our elections but because their hero Obama was reelected, that interference was something to laugh off.

Indeed David and his ilk laughed at Mitt Romney in 2012 when he called Russia America’s number one geopolitical foe. Yes, the same folks who are so panicked about the threat of Russia today were the same ones mocking Romney back in 2012, short memory these people have:

http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2012/oct/22/barack-obama/obama-romney-called-russia-our-top-geopolitical-fo/

The Senate’s strike back at them was signed into law by Trump because he had no choice; they could have overridden his veto.

Again, this is just more proof our system of government’s checks and balances system works. Contrary to our friends who are so purposefully stupid about these things and want to embrace their own hysteria, look! The Legislative branch acts as a foil to the Executive! SHOCKING!

Honestly, what a turd.

This obviously infuriated Putin who retaliated diplomatically, which means we are teetering on another Cold War.

WOAH! We’re teetering! Wow! This is new!

I guess shooting down passenger jets and invading the sovereign territory of a neighbor doesn’t make much of an impact in Peter’s book! Nope! Taking a measured and equal response to our own nation’s actions against their diplomats (remind me who it was who took that action again?).

Again though in David’s delusions the reason we are ‘teetering’ on another Cold War is because of Trump. AMAZING!

Meanwhile North Korea continues to test missiles which can reach as far as California, DC, and New York, and I don’t think anyone remotely believes that Trump is capable of handling NK’s dictator if the hammer comes down

The idea that North Korea suddenly burst forth with a program in the last six months when eight years of Obama produced little in the way of any curbing of this threat only underscores the ineffectiveness of the Obama administration.

Eight years of U.S. and U.N. diplomatic maneuvering during President Barack Obama’s tenure has left North Korea increasingly isolated. But it has still UTTERLY FAILED to achieve the primary goal of curbing the country’s nuclear weapons and missile program. North Korea has detonated five nuclear weapons in underground tests since 2006 — four while Obama was in office — and conducted a flurry of missile launches for its growing missile arsenal. U.S. intelligence officers believe it is only a matter of time before the regime builds a nuclear-tipped intercontinental missile capable of striking the United States.

Got to love me some liberals if only for the rampant stupidity and willful ignorance they show.

But Peter can’t stop there...

Let’s say five years ago, someone wanted to tell an end-of-the-world story. Governments have broken down, diplomacy has gone out the window,

Governments have broken down? In the preceding paragraph David talks about Senate actions, that doesn’t seem like government breaking down to me. Diplomacy has gone out the window? Where would that be exactly?

Here’s a little jewel for you to chew on the next time we talk about Democratic Presidents and world events...

In the era since World War II, every time there has been genocide conducted around the world it’s been when a DEMOCRAT HAS BEEN IN OFFICE.

Jimmy Carter:

The Cambodian genocide was carried out by the Khmer Rouge (KR) regime led by Pol Pot between 1975 and 1979 in which an estimated 1.5 to 3 million people died.

Bill Clinton:

The term Bosnian genocide refers to either genocide at Srebrenica and Žepa committed by Bosnian Serb forces in 1995 or the wider ethnic cleansing campaign throughout areas controlled by the Army of the Republika Srpska that took place during the 1992–1995 Bosnian War.

The Rwandan genocide, also known as the genocide against the Tutsi,[2] was a genocidal mass slaughter of Tutsi in Rwanda by members of the Hutu majority government. An estimated 500,000–1,000,000 Rwandans were killed during the 100-day period from April 7 to mid-July 1994

Barack Obama:

The genocide of Shia Muslims by the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) refers to the genocide within its region of control in Iraq and Syria increased following its takeover of parts of Northern Iraq in June 2014.

The genocide of Christians by ISIS refers to the genocide of Christian minorities, within its region of control in Iraq, Syria and Libya by the Islamic extremist group Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL). Persecution of Christian minorities climaxed following its takeover of parts of Northern Iraq in June 2014.

The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL, calling itself Islamic State) is recognized by the UN as the perpetrator of a genocide of Yazidis in Iraq. The genocide has led to the expulsion, flight and effective exile of the Yazidis from their ancestral lands in Northern Iraq. The genocide led to the abduction of Yazidi women and massacres that killed thousands of Yazidi civilians during what has been called a “forced conversion campaign” being carried out in Northern Iraq by the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL or ISIS), starting in 2014.

Think our liberal Left leaning friends like Peter and his drones will acknowledge that? Let’s just say I’m not holding my breath for the stupid to suddenly become smart.

Why I hate the Yankees.

There were many years that I spent as a Yankee fan. All through the eighties while the Mets were winning, I was a Yankee fan... there were good years and bad during that time but back then, there wasn't any wildcard so it meant the Yankees often ended their season without a trip to the playoffs.

Only two divisions of seven teams each meant if you didn't win the division your season was over.

Don Mattingly was my favorite player. He played a great first base winning several Gold Gloves but he also hit for average. He even had a hitting streak that had people talking about Lou Gehrig's hitting streak. He hit home runs in several consecutive games and the biggest scandal that involved Mattingly over the course of his career was him getting or not getting a haircut.

I suffered through years of mediocre play and the tantrums of George Steinbrenner who all too often inserted himself in the operation of the baseball team to the team's overall detriment.

I watched as players I loved were cast off or traded without rhyme or reason in making an actual team.

Finally in 1995 Mattingly was unceremoniously shown the door and the Yankees bought in Tino Martinez in his stead. Buck Showalter was let go, Randy Velarde and Mike Stanley left, all players I liked and I had had enough, that was it for me.

No more Yankees!

That last year I went to one of the playoff games against the Seattle Mariners. It would be the last Yankee game I would go to for some time.

I would often go to abywhere from 9 to 12 games each season. I would bring friends or co- workers but the one thing that bothered me, fan's behavior.

You couldn't bring a lady or a kid without being embarrassed. The behavior and the language of the fans was disgraceful. It was ironic because that behavior got even worse when they got rid of the old red hatted ushers and replaced them with Police officers.

You'd think the opposite would be true but it wasn't, if anything it got worse. There were times it was just sad. I saw a man with a young daughter while I was sitting in the lower level of Left Field a few rows off the fence curse like a sailor.

Another time I was at a game with a woman from work and there was a group of about 12 guys on the upper deck all trying to outdo each other in terms of outrageousness.

The point is when I switched to being a Mets fan something magical hapoened, I was able to go to a game and not be worried about unruly fans.

Why?

Really I don't know and can't explain it. Is it the Bronx versus Queens? Is it being on Long Island? Is it American League fans versus Nationak League fans? Maybe it's the DH?

The point is it's something so noticeable, the game experience is so dramatically different, even Yankee fans I know who've gone to games with me have commented on the difference.

If you want to take your family to a game you're likely to have a better bet taking them to Citifield rather than Yankee stadium.

One other thing really annoyed me all those years I was a Yankee fan, even though the Metro North tracks went a stone's throw from Yankee Stadium, there was no direct service. If you wanted to take the train to the game you had to go to 125th Street, walk across to the Lexington Avenue line and take the subway back up three stops.

Same thing on the flip side.

They fixed that though, within the last dozen years or so they finally got off their butts and built a station at Yankee Stadium.

Thing is I really wish they hadn't.

Now I get to ride with the very same fans I so detested. Metro North stops almost all it's trains at Yankee Stadium. If you get stuck at work late and it's on a day when there's a home game you have the wonderful joy of a huge crowd of inebriated assholes suddenly flooding the train. What was quiet is now noisy and rowdy. It's worse than any subway car at rush hour because it's a slew of people from the hinterlands who are on an adventure.

Wednesday there apparently was a day game. How do I know this? Well Wednesday happened to be the day I was going in late to work and as luck would have it, the 11 am train I was on was the Yankee Asshole Express. It was just filled to the brim with those glorious morons,

Oh joy! What a wonderful way to start the day. I had figured on being on a quiet, deserted off peak train only to find myself in the subway at rush hour. Really, how can people be intoxicated at 11 in the morning!

Considering my trip to Beacon Tuesday night and the 3 hour commute that entailed, I am already anxious for the week to be over.

It's moments like these I must remind myself of the many good things I do have because there's simply no good in remaining in a snit.

The head slap moment.

I am somewhat dense, I acknowledge it... I understand it. Still I cannot help but be surprised when I arrive at another of those moments when I have that epiphany and come to a discovery of sorts about something.

In this case I come to the realization of just how little someone who has ventured in and out my orbit thinks of me.

I know this person, I'm not sure what the dynamic is between us and most of that has to do with my own stupidity because of an attraction I feel but then I am left feeling used and ecploited.

Some of that is me but by the same token it's not as if there hasn't been encouragement in that direction... when someone has a tragedy in their life or in their day and they call you crying it makes you think you might have a connection but again there isn't that connection it's just a one way street of you being the dunce and the other person knowing you can be a sure source of encouragement and solace without any reciprocity.

There's nothing to be angry about really, at least not as far as the other person in the equation goes as much as it is a matter of me being angry at myself for allowing it to happen, allowing myself to be led along by my own desires.

This is not something that is a relatively new event, orbits have intersected and planets have passed close to each other often over almost a quarter century but the head slap moment comes along with that sense that it's time to wake up and put an end to this kind of stupidity if only to stop the waste and distraction it is.

It happened the other day... there was a moment during a phone call when it felt for all the world as if I was being intrusive, an obstacle in the path of the comet and it irked me so very much I made a decision shortly thereafter it was time for a change.

I'm at a point in life where I recognize I am very adept at being self sufficient so there's no need to clutter up life with people who won't be additive and supportive.

Plus I am surprised myself that I can't brook directing my energy at someone who takes it for granted and that's whether as a friend or something more.

I know I'm shut out of the proceeds and in one regard I don't think I ever had a chance but I'm of a mind it wasn't as much about me as it was about the other persons own stupidity and blindness.

The horror...

So I did something today that I can't remember doing before, namely I got on the wrong train and in this case it was a grave error because instead of my normal commute I got to get a glorious two hours tagged on to the ordinarily hour plus commute.

Metro North in it's infinite wisdom has two trains going to the same destination on adjoining tracks and the conductors don't seem to have much of an issue with telling folks where the train DOESN'T stop even though the equipment is identical.

I thought it was odd first when the train left Grand Central three minutes early but then at 125 th Street I heard the stops called out only to register my stop wasn't mentioned just as the doors had closed.

Now I know in a small sense what it is when a prisoner hears the door to a cell slamming behind them.

The funny thing in all if this is that although it is a truly beautiful ride up the Hudson to begin where my ass is currently parked, it only had the effect of making me exhausted as it sunk in that I wouldn't be home until 9pm.

Here I sit in the Beacon train station on a comfortable night looking out across the Hudson watching a sunset as it drops low in the sky against the backdrop of Newburgh.

And at this moment the train I was supposed to catch pulls up behind me with very few people getting off (surprise!). Meanwhile there's still another twenty five minute wait to go before the return train even arrives.

I guess it could be worse, it could be raining or it could be cold but I am so exhausted of late even this small indignity weighs heavy on me when my energy reserves are so very low.

I skipped a couple of days writing just due to exhaustion... weekends come and at least half of them are spent sleeping.

That's the reality of a grind but I do have work and for that I should be thankful because there have been too many times when work was in short supply and my worry was high. Given the choice between the two, being tired or being worried (and stressed) I have to say tired is likely the better option.

Destroying.

I was out the other day with someone having a good time and we got to talking about the past.

We were doing the long meandering drive and the conversation got around to old flames and I said how certain things made sense to me now that might not have jibed with my perceptions of the situation when I was younger.

I might’ve said this before but I realized that I had been the one ending relationships which honestly surprised the hell out of me when I thought about it. I did not think of the situations that way at all but when I broke them down that was in fact what had happened.

Still one of the things I look back on now is that I always give the woman with whom I have had a relationship with great credit for abiding me. That’s not to say that I am an ogre because I try very hard to be the exact opposite but I always have felt graced to have a woman’s company.

Seriously, one of the greatest boons I can say about my adult life are those times when I have had a woman to share things with, someone to touch and to hold, someone to nestle against. It is comforting that physical intimacy between two people and we as creatures have a need for that on a very basic level. This is something that is often overlooked especially for the aged, people who are in homes or assisted living facilities. Denied that comfort which if anything when it does happen is something else entirely in the form of poking, prodding or manipulating.

Where I was going though was that I have been many different people over time. Today, I think people I encounter have a very different view of me than the me there was when I was a young man. I am different now too because I am older but that other person is still a part of me, still there submerged as it were.

During the conversation some of that came out, only because there have been moments when I have run across a person or persons that believes bullying is a means to an end and that in doing so they can force an outcome.

It is those moments when that other person makes an appearance. My mom was (is) one tough lady. Things she’s been through would’ve killed most people. She’s lived the kind of life that looks as if it came out of the pages of a Dicken’s novel, seriously.

The one thing my mom said though, and I can hear her shrill voice saying it was, “Don’t take shit from other people.”

It’s funny and I laugh now thinking about it but it stuck... don’t think she was all that though she was the same person who ALWAYS said you say, ‘Please,’ ‘Thank you’ and you are at all times as polite and courteous as you can be. She was very big on that. I’m the kind of person who holds doors open for people, it’s stupid little things that just make the day better and the world better for all of us.

But there was still that admonition and it stuck!

Thursday acting classes.

What’s great about this series is just seeing all the differrent approaches by different people towards acting. This is a bit of an odd pairing the week, Will Smith & Benicio Del Toro: